I have lived on the east coast my entire life in so many different houses and apartments. I don't have a childhood home or one house I grew up in. My childhood was scattered between two states, two parents. I can't say I have ever felt "stable"...in any area of my life. In the moment, I believe I was unaware of this. I think I have acted out in ways because subconsciously I was frustrated with it.
Its hard to explain that even in a long distance relationship that you would begin to feel that stability you needed for your whole life.
I'm not who I was last year, and I realize I just wrote a lyric to one of my favorite songs by accident...(this is a pretty special song). Anyway...I'm really not. I didn't do a lot of thinking when it came to the future of my being...what I wanted, how I wanted to get there, and what I was willing to do and change. It was rough, and believe me it still is sometimes. We are talking 24 years of "dysfunction" to work through. Slowly but surely, I'm working on on it.
There are amazing parts of me, I know this. I love myself for who I am. I know that I can be silly; I know I am loving, understanding, and cannot hold a grudge. I know I worry way too much, but that's not always a bad thing? I know through my relationship with René that I can be trusting and trustworthy. Honesty is a beautiful thing. Being a transparent person is wonderful and something I try to work on every day. I really think life is about just being a good person everyday. You're never going to look at yourself one day and say, "Well, I'm done; I'm perfect.". All I can do is try to remember to think about how I make myself and the other people in my life feel with my words and actions. I am currently trying to instill this in my daughter at a young age.
I love this quote, It has always stuck with me. I have no idea who said it: "People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel."
I know I can be difficult and I can be hard to approach and talk to, this is one of those things I'm trying to be better at. Along with attitudes and ideas and self, I've also been actively working to get out of debt too.
My love for René and wanting to be a match for him was the beginning of this journey for me. I knew what I wanted, I wanted him. I knew I was going to have to show him I was serious and get it together.
I've said it before on here, but I believe René and I were meant to be together. It hasn't been easy, and we knew we would have to be apart before we could be together. I struggle daily and I hope people know how fortunate they are to be with the one they love everyday. Don't ever take that for granted. Its the little things. Dinner, movies, bed time, even saying goodbye to go to work, kisses, hugs, holding hands, cleaning, riding in a car together, making the bed, folding laundry, just being in the same room as one another. Basically anything you do ever...
I get lonely, I get frustrated, I get sad. I just want to be held sometimes. I want a hug when I'm down. I want to talk without speaking. I want to share my joy when I'm happy. I want to cook him dinner and kiss him every morning and every night. I want to have Saturday morning coffee. I want to be the most amazing wife ever. I'm honored to have his last name and if that's the piece of him I have every day, I'll be grateful for that. 1,400 miles away or right here with me, I'm complete knowing he is mine. Home is where ever he is and I can't wait to be home every day.
I'm not who I was last year, and I realize I just wrote a lyric to one of my favorite songs by accident...(this is a pretty special song). Anyway...I'm really not. I didn't do a lot of thinking when it came to the future of my being...what I wanted, how I wanted to get there, and what I was willing to do and change. It was rough, and believe me it still is sometimes. We are talking 24 years of "dysfunction" to work through. Slowly but surely, I'm working on on it.
There are amazing parts of me, I know this. I love myself for who I am. I know that I can be silly; I know I am loving, understanding, and cannot hold a grudge. I know I worry way too much, but that's not always a bad thing? I know through my relationship with René that I can be trusting and trustworthy. Honesty is a beautiful thing. Being a transparent person is wonderful and something I try to work on every day. I really think life is about just being a good person everyday. You're never going to look at yourself one day and say, "Well, I'm done; I'm perfect.". All I can do is try to remember to think about how I make myself and the other people in my life feel with my words and actions. I am currently trying to instill this in my daughter at a young age.I love this quote, It has always stuck with me. I have no idea who said it: "People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel."
I know I can be difficult and I can be hard to approach and talk to, this is one of those things I'm trying to be better at. Along with attitudes and ideas and self, I've also been actively working to get out of debt too.
My love for René and wanting to be a match for him was the beginning of this journey for me. I knew what I wanted, I wanted him. I knew I was going to have to show him I was serious and get it together.
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I get lonely, I get frustrated, I get sad. I just want to be held sometimes. I want a hug when I'm down. I want to talk without speaking. I want to share my joy when I'm happy. I want to cook him dinner and kiss him every morning and every night. I want to have Saturday morning coffee. I want to be the most amazing wife ever. I'm honored to have his last name and if that's the piece of him I have every day, I'll be grateful for that. 1,400 miles away or right here with me, I'm complete knowing he is mine. Home is where ever he is and I can't wait to be home every day.
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